Archive for June, 2008

Dear Bombie

June 28, 2008

     People from around the country are constantly writing to The Reluctant Bombthrower seeking answers to their questions. Unfortunately, they mistakenly believe that he is some sort of advice columnist, when in reality he doesn’t give a darn about their problems and wonders why anyone would seek help from someone known as The Bombthrower. But he is always on the lookout for potential blackmail material, so keep those cards, letters and emails a comin’—– Dear Bombie: Why do you people keep writing to me? I am so distraught. Who cares! I have lost my beloved great grandmother’s banana-nut bundt cake recipe. Boo hoo. Can you help me find it? BUNDT-LESS IN SEATTLE Dear Bundt-less: The press reports from the seventies about Raquel Welch and Jacqueline Bissett fighting over me were greatly overblown. I told the ladies that there was enough Bombie lovin’ to go around. I’m just glad they never found out about my moonlight streaking with Carly Simon. Have mercy! That wasn’t what I asked about! I know that. Just any chance I get I like to tell my seventies story. Dear Bombie: I am looking for my soul mate, so what do you think is the most important quality in a wife? YOUNG MAN’S FANCY Dear Fancy: She should be inflatable. Heh heh heh. Didn’t know you were into sex toys, Bombie. Get your mind out of the gutter! What I meant was she could be used as a flotation device in the event your plane was forced to make a water-landing. Do you type your mother emails with those fingers! Dear Bombie: I am a successful hedge fund manager that has amassed a vast fortune by aggressively embezzling from my clients. I should be deliriously happy, with my lavish lifestyle and hot young wife, but I am not. The problem is I suffer from a softness in the market, if you know what I mean. I’ve tried various doctors, little blue pills, Santeria spells, banana-nut bundt cake—nothing works. Can you help me? PANIC(ED) IN DETROIT Banana-nut bundt cake? Dear ED: I need more information to properly answer your question. Could you please send me your name, address and telephone number. It would be of great profit, er, I mean use in solving your problem. Dear Bombie: I have sort of an unusual problem. My wife has an unnatural attachment to our clothes dryer. She sits atop it for hours and derives some sort of perverse pleasure from the vibrations as it is running. What can I do to rectify this situation? FLUFFED OFF Dear Fluffed: Ha ha ha! You think my problem is funny? Extremely. Oh come on, your wife is having an affair with a major household appliance. You had better hope she doesn’t have the Maytag repairman on speed dial. This would only be funnier if banana-nut bundt cake was involved. Uh oh. Ha ha ha! When you mock sin you invoke the wrath of me! GOD I had better be careful, this might be the last thing I do… Your Almightiness, I am that guy without sin, so I believe I get to cast a few stones. Am I wrong? I think you may want to read your bible a little more carefully. Also, what about what happened in the seventies? You created those women. What happened back then truly was a miracle. Yes, I do work in mysterious ways. Okay, I see your point. Well, got to run now. Smiting to do and all, you know. Whew, that was a close one. Dear Bombie: How can you be so egotistical, and revel in the suffering of others? YOU’RE SO VAIN Carly, it’s so good to hear from you after all these years. Meet me tonight in the moonlight, I’ll bring the banana-nut bundt cake. Have mercy!

I’m back?

June 2, 2008

     I thought it was a pretty good excuse. Unfortunately, my fiancee didn’t think that fighting Nazis on the Moon was a good enough reason for leaving her waiting at the altar. She punched me so hard in the nuts that I started to speak in Czech. Never has a such true and honest man been treated so unfairly. Mluvit stribro, mlcet zlato (Talking is silver, silence is gold).