Archive for October, 2008

The Bombthrower takes on The Terror of Love

October 25, 2008

     The Reluctant Bombthrower gets many relationship questions from readers. Even though he is the greatest expert in all matters of L’Amour, it is still puzzling why anyone would seek help from a guy called The Bombthrower. In this installment, a reader seeks help about her fiance. Unfortunately, The Bombthrower  was too darn lazy to write a proper scary story for Halloween, so he is going to use this column to knock one out one way or another. So sit back and enjoy this trainwreck—Mr. Bombthrower, my boyfriend and I have been together for eight years and everything was great until we got engaged. Now he is distant and I fear he’s getting cold feet. What should I do? Is he a boogen? No, a Presbyterian. Do you you think his religion is the problem? It is if he’s a monster. Well, he is a little selfish sometimes, but I wouldn’t call him a monster. Does he live in a haunted house?  No, a duplex. Aha! It is a well known fact that duplexes are chock full of boogens. He’s not a boogen! I can’t help you if you deny your forbidden boogen love. He’s not a boogen! Or a hobgoblin either! Hobgoblins! Heh heh heh. Lady, you really are into some pretty kinky stuff. Are you some kind of nut? I’m not the one sneaking around on my boogen lover. I’m not sneaking around on anybody and my fiance is not a boogen. I know I’m going to regret asking you another question, but here goes. Do you think a romantic evening would rekindle the fire? I think it would if you invited a couple of hot lesbian vampires over. You’re a pig! At least I’m not fantasizing about hobgoblins. Aaaaauuuurrrggh! Halloween is no time to deny your sick love for boogens or any other weird creatures. That’s what this all about, you’re trying to turn my question into some cheap Halloween story. No I’m not. Those sweet sweet boogeny kisses have confused you. Perhaps a jack-o-lantern and some candy corn would help. That’s it, I’m through! I won’t be a party to this charade anymore. No, please bear with me. I was only using humor to help with a difficult problem. Perhaps you should end your engagement, since it seems he is unwilling to commit. Well, maybe you are right and you seem serious this time. I am, I am. Okay, then what should I do next? Since boogens have commitment issues, maybe you should try a guy with bolts in his neck next. Aaaaauuuurrrggh! Happy Halloween and don’t fall in love with a boogen!