Archive for November, 2008

Talkin’ Turkey

November 15, 2008

     A few days before Thanksgiving, during noontime story hour at a local public library…Welcome. I’d like to read you a story especially written for Thanksgiving. It’s called William, the Turkey that Cared. What does he care about? The plight of his fellow turkeys. Aren’t you a little old for children’s story hour, sir? I’m a cpa from the building next door. I forgot to bring my lunch today. So I came in here… And decided to help yourself to the free snacks? These graham crackers are very good and this grape Kool-Aid is quite tasty. Couldn’t you have bought a lunch? As an expert in financial planning, I’m always looking for new ways to maximize my portfolio. So you’re cheap. I call it strategic utilization of resources. Okay. Since you’re the only one here, do you want to hear my story? Please continue. As Thanksgiving neared, William wondered why everyone would look at him licking their lips and rubbing their tummies… He must be a good sized bird? William was full grown, yes. A forty pounder at least? I guess so… Yup, sounds like one tasty bird. Sir, you’re missing the point of the story. I like my turkey with lots of cranberry sauce. The jellied kind, not that whole berry stuff. William did not want to be eaten and wanted make sure other turkeys did not suffer a similar fate. What! Sounds downright un-American. Is William some sort of communist bird?  No, he’s enlightened and loves all living creatures. Whatever you say, comrade. What your story needs is Pilgrims and maize. Grrrrr. William became aware of his plight after a beautiful vegetarian and animal rights activist liberated him from the turkey farm. Her name was Leslie. Oooooo, that’s a pretty name. Do you have a picture of her? No. I like vegetables, that practically makes me a vegetarian. That’s admirable, sir, considering that five minutes ago you were sizing up William as a potential Thanksgiving dinner. I’ve become enlightened too. I think Leslie and I would really hit it off. Maybe we could get together for a cup of coffee and a slice of pumpkin pie. I don’t think so, sir. She’s a character in a story. Do you have her phone number? She’s way out of your league, sir. Aha! There is a real Leslie! I think we were meant to be together. Dream on, sir. I’ve lost my place. Where was I in my story? The Kremlin had sent the Manchurian turkey to destroy America by crippling the poultry industry at a crucial time. Grrrrr. I suppose you could come up with a better story? Yes. Let’s hear it. It would take place at the first Thanksgiving and there would be plenty of Pilgrims and maize… Grrrrr. An evil supercomputer from the future would send a turkey cyborg back in time… TURKEY CYBORG??? …to stop Thanksgiving. A supersoldier also from the future, maybe Vin Diesel, would arrive and thwart The Turkinator. Grrrrr. After it was all over, Santa Claus would make a special guest appearance. Everybody loves Santa. WHAT??? Pretty good, huh? GET OUT!!! Okay, okay. I’m out of graham crackers anyway, but could I ask one last question? What is it? Is Leslie a blonde or brunette? Grrrrr.—Happy Thanksgiving, from your pal, The Bombthrower.