Archive for January, 2009

The Bombthrower Nearly Destroys America

January 10, 2009

     History is about to be made and amazingly The Reluctant Bombthrower finds himself part of it. Bombie received an invitation to the Inauguration and an offer from the President-elect to become his advisor on the internet. Why anyone would invite a guy who calls himself ‘The Bombthrower’ to a high security event is beyond us. Plus, our hero just learned how to turn on a computer a few years ago and still in the back of his mind is afraid it will bite him. So, The Bombthrower is about to meet with the future leader of the free world at his residence in the Hay-Adams Hotel, and while we have complete faith in the guy, we’re still moving to Canada just to be safe.— It’s an honor to meet you, sir. Bombie, I’m glad you accepted my offer. I was a little surprised by it, sir. Why is that? I still haven’t figured out how to make a new paragraph on the computer when I write something and I don’t know how to forward an email. Don’t worry, you’re just what I need. Heh heh heh. What was that, sir? Oh, nothing. How are you enjoying Washington? Are you being treated well? Well, okay, except for some strange reason the Republican National Committee arranged for me to escort Sarah Palin to the Inauguration. Nothing strange about that. She somehow got it in her head that I was some sort of a high-end ‘call boy’ ordered especially for her. I’ve had to avoid her amorous advances ever since.What’s wrong with that? Governor Palin is a very beautiful and desirable woman, eh? Heh heh heh. Are you sure you’re all right, sir? It’s nothing. I’ve just been busy making changes to the agenda for my administration. I noticed that, sir. Your message of change and hope has now become a continuation of the present administration’s policies. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve come to embrace the fine work of President Cheney. Heh heh heh. You mean President Bush, don’t you, sir? Dick Cheney is Vice President, right? Of course, of course. It’s just that Dick Cheney is such a visionary, he deserves to be President. Heh heh heh. Are you sure you’re all right, sir? Yes, yes. Don’t you have a to pick out a corsage for that comely Sarah Palin or something? Ugh. That reminds of my mission today. What is that? To expose the reason for all the strange goings on lately leading up to your swearing in, sir. I see nothing strange. Heh heh heh. Of course not, since you are—DICK CHENEY DISGUISED AS BARACK OBAMA! I SEE MY LITTLE DIGUISE DIDN’T FOOL YOU, MR. BOMBTHROWER. MIGHT AS WELL TAKE IT OFF NOW ANYWAY, THIS INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH GIRDLE IS KILLING ME. Amazing. How could a paunchy senior citizen make himself look like a younger, tall slender African-American? IT’S THE FIRST THING THEY TEACH YOU IN EVIL SUPERVILLAIN SCHOOL. HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME, MR. BOMBTHROWER? Well, for one thing, you insisted that Lawrence Welk headline the Inaugural Ball. I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT ALL THE KIDS WERE LISTENING TO THESE DAYS. Another thing, at a demonstration of the latest wi-fi technology, you proclaimed it to be “some sort of devilry and witchcraft”. I SAW THE HAND OF SATAN IN IT FOR SURE. And lastly, you replaced the respected nominee for the post of Treasury Secretary with a guy named Shifty McGurk who said his main goal when he got to Washington would be to “get some”. A MAN HAS TO HAVE A PLAN. NEVERTHELESS, YOU WON’T STOP ME, MR. BOMBTHROWER! Dick Cheney, you’re so evil! All you’re missing is a white cat! MY HENCHCAT, NIBBLES, IS AT MY ‘UNDISCLOSED LOCATION’ MAKING SURE THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS COMFORTABLE AND OUT OF CIRCULATION. HEH HEH HEH. That’s some evil cat. But just how do you think you can overthrow the will of the people? QUITE EASILY. DISGUISED AS BARACK OBAMA, I WOULD ENACT POLICIES THAT WOULD THROW THE COUNTRY INTO CHAOS. HIS POPULARITY WOULD PLUMMET, THEN THE LITTLE NOTICED AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION I MADE WOULD COME INTO EFFECT. Amendment to the Constitution? YES, IT STATES THAT WHEN THE PRESIDENT’S POLL NUMBERS SLIP TO SINGLE DIGITS HE MUST BE IMPEACHED, REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT IS THEN DISSOLVED AND DICK CHENEY BECOMES EMPEROR FOR LIFE. HEH HEH HEH. When did all this happen? DURING A PARTICULARLY ENGROSSING SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS. NIBBLES SPEARHEADED THE RATIFICATION PROCESS. Wow! That is some evil cat. Your plan will never succeed! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME, MR. BOMBTHROWER? For one thing, I’ve seen every Bond film at least twenty times. That includes the lousy ones like ‘A View to a Kill’. You know that’s the one where Roger Moore looks like he’s 103 years old and the Bond Girl was so dumb she got kicked off ‘Charlie’s Angels’ where the only job qualification she had to have was to be able to jiggle. Also, I’ve been delaying you so the authorities had enough time to rescue the President-elect. WHAT!!! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! YOU WOULD NEED THE HELP OF THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT…I’M SCREWED. Yes, I put it in terms that President Bush could understand. I told him that Scooby, Shaggy and the gang were in trouble and needed his help. After that, he placed the FBI, the CIA and Batman at my disposal. THAT BOOB! Former President Clinton offered his help too. He said he would personally contact Wonder Woman and Xena, Warrior Princess. YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS TIME, MR. BOMBTHROWER, BUT I SHALL GET EVEN WITH YOU. HEH HEH HEH. ADIEU. Where did he go? Who knew there was a trap door in a five-star hotel? I didn’t know a guy that has had a hundred heart attacks could move so fast. Wonder what he meant about ‘getting even’? You don’t suppose he has sent someone to deal with me? Who could it be? Oddjob? Nibbles? …Pussy Galore? You got that right, honey lips! Sarah Palin!!! You’re harder to hunt down than a bull moose, but hopefully you’re just as tasty. Yum yum. Ugh! Well, I think I’ll be going now. Got an Inauguration to attend, you know. So long… The room has been hermetically sealed and I have the only key and it’s in a place where I will enjoy you finding it again and again. Ugh! Now, you naughty tax-and-spend Democrat, come to mama and show me how they do it in the lower forty-eight. James Bond never had to defuse a bomb this terrifying. I love it when you talk dirty. Ugh!—Good luck and Godspeed to Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States. The Bombthrower will return in From Sheboygan with Lust or On Her Majesty’s Secret Answering Service.