Archive for February, 2009

Love Hurts

February 14, 2009

     The fate of mankind will be decided by an encounter of the weird kind… Where am I? You are aboard a Metalunan scout ship. Now I remember, you’re an alien! Yes, when you first realized that, you screamed like a female of your species and emptied your bowels and bladder. Please do not do that again, my ship’s sanitation unit can’t handle the strain. Sorry, it was just a natural defense mechanism. You’re lucky, I could have then dealt you a fatal blow. How fortunate for me that I thought you were just frightened. Yes… I suppose the fainting was part of this defense mechanism too? Yes, just lulling you into a false sense of security. We Earthlings are plenty tough, so you had better watch out, mister space alien. I will, I will. Why are you here? And what do you want with me? To answer your first question, to prepare for colonization, er, I mean future space tourism. But before that can happen, I need the answer to a question. What’s that? Why does love hurt? Love hurts? That sounds like the title of that old Everly Brothers song. Exactly, we Metalunans did away with emotions billions of your Earth years ago. So, how can we conquer, er, I mean visit your planet when you live by an emotion, that according to the song, can hurt, scar, wound and mar? This is a very dangerous world. You got that right, but we still like it just fine the way it is. Why didn’t you go to the source and ask the Everly Brothers? I did, but like you, they screamed and emptied their bowels and bladders. You are a very messy species. Sorry, those emotions can cause all sorts of releases. It was not a total loss. Phil and Don were kind enough to autograph an album for me. You know, the J. Geils Band had a song called ‘Love Hurts’ too. I know. I tried to seek an answer from them, but due to a transporter error, they spontaneously combusted upon arrival. What did you do then? I replaced them with lookalike androids. No one was the wiser and their bookings are now up ten percent. They will be playing at Knott’s Berry Farm next week, would you like some tickets? No thanks. What did you do next? I sought the answer from your planet’s most influential persons. From every corner of the world, I brought together politicians, spiritual leaders, scientists, writers and artists. How were they? Delicious, er, I mean thought provoking, but still no answer. Why did you bring me here then? What makes you think you can get the answer from me? Because you are an average man… Not that average. An average man who can give me a simple answer. So, let me get this straight, if I give you the correct answer to why love hurts, Metulunans will come to Earth for ‘space tourism’ and ‘thought provoking’ discussions with us humans. Yes, yes.  Can you do it? For Earth’s sake, I’ll give it a shot. You must know about the physical act of love. I’ve studied it in extreme detail. You dog! Then you must know if it is done improperly it can lead to shame, anxiety and recriminations. Yes, yes. What  you probably don’t know is that if it is done correctly it can lead to the Earth moving. This sounds extremely dangerous. It could be a navigation hazard and result in many collisions. Yes, many many collisions. Plus, love can still hurt even if is done successfully. How can that be? Because then all your waking moments all you think about is getting, keeping and staying in love and you can do little else for the rest of your life. This is terrible! Pain and loss of productivity, we Metalunans would find that totally unacceptable. I’ll have to tell our leaders to call off the invasion, er, I mean visit. Our loss, I guess. Can I go home now? Yes, it’s the least I can do, you poor bastard. I don’t know how you humans can stand the terror of love. It’s a struggle, but we somehow manage to survive, thank God. Love hurts. Yes, love hurts.