Archive for March, 2009

I’m Magic

March 28, 2009

     At a little noticed press conference… Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I would like to announce… I’m the only one here. What? I’m the only reporter here at your press conference, sir. Well, then as I was about to say… I’m only here because I lost a bet with my editor. To continue, I, Huggaboom the Magnificent, perhaps today’s greatest magician… Says who? What? I did a little checking on you before coming to this ‘event’ and it was very enlightening, to say the least. According to the periodical, ‘Abracadabra’, you’re often referred to as “Huggaboom, the Mediocre” and that you have a unique talent for making audiences disappear, usually in anger and disgust. There are those that are jealous of my renowned skills of prestidigitation and legerdemain. It’s said you couldn’t change a dollar bill. Grrrrr. Are you here to report or criticize? Sorry. It was just background to add a little color to the story. Please continue, sir. As I was  about to say, this will be perhaps the greatest feat of magic ever performed… Like the event in Australia a few years ago? What? You know, the one where you said you would make the Sydney Opera House vanish. That’s past history. I’m here to talk about something entirely different. Before an assembled audience, you said you would make the Sydney Opera House vanish. Instead, when you tried mass hypnotism on the crowd, you let loose an emission so noxious that the papers later referred to it as “Huggaboom’s big boom from down under”. It wasn’t that bad. A ninety year old great grandmother from Brisbane was nearly blinded by your ‘magical Aussie toot’. I blame it on a combination of Australian lager, spicy kangaroo stew and tasty koala fritters that I had consumed prior to the show. It is said that Houdini was plagued by flatulence caused by hearty pre-show meals. It was also reported at the time, that several young women in the audience, that had passed out from your colossal gasser, reported that their undergarments had mysteriously vanished. It’s a standard clause that magicians are not held responsible for missing items during a performance. I’m Huggaboom the Magnificent! Heh heh heh. Didn’t you used to have a ventriloquist act? I’d rather not talk about it. You worked with a dummy called Lil’ Splinter and achieved a fair amount of notice. That’s old news. It was rumored the act broke up because a Carpathian warlock’s soul was imprisoned within the dummy and that he wanted to transfer his soul to your body. Isn’t this true, sir? Well, I might have made a deal with Lil’ Splinter in exchange for wealth and success beyond my wildest dreams. But he only got me a semi-regular spot on the ‘Friends’ spin-off, ‘Joey’, and I didn’t consider that fulfilling the promise. So what happened? I suggested we take a sea cruise to discuss our arrangement. Once underway, I overpowered him, locked him in a steamer trunk, chained and weighted it down, then once we reached the deepest part of the ocean, I tossed him overboard. Too bad, even though he was a homicidal puppet, he had great timing and could really sell a joke. You know he’s standing right behind you. What!!! God help us! He’ll kill us all! Run for your life! Just kidding. Grrrrr. Am I going to get to finish my announcement or what? Continue. In perhaps my greatest feat of magic, I give you…voila!—THE WHEEL OF DEATH! It looks like a lazy Susan. Now I’ve just about had it with you, bub! Audiences around the world know when they come to one of my performances they will have a chance to view greatness. I’m magic. I’m Huggaboom the Magnificent! I  don’t know how much ‘greatness’ audiences will come away with when you’re spinning around on ‘The Lazy Susan of Death’. That’s it! I’m gonna kick your ass! What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue, mister smart guy? Behind you…it’s Lil’ Splinter! I’m not falling for that one again. HOOGABOOM, I ZINK VEE HAVE ZUM OONFEENEESHED BEEZEENEZ TO ZETTLE. Yikes! Good to see you again, little guy. Sorry about that little misunderstanding we had. How about we get the act back together? I can guarantee a spot on Jimmy Kimmel’s show. JEEMMEE KEEMMEEL, EH? HE VOOD BE KWITE ZOOTABLE, I’VE ALVAYS VANTED MINE OWN TAWK SHOW. HEH HEH HEH.