Archive for September, 2009

I’m Troublesome

September 12, 2009

     I  suppose you could say I’m looking for a solution to the mystery of love. That’s all fine and well, sir, but why are you here at the Department of Motor Vehicles? My name is TroublesomeJames and I come from a long and illustrious line of Troublesomes.  Yes, Troublesome by name, troublesome by nature and troublesome in love. Are you here to renew your license? Because if you’re not, then I have to inform you that I’m paid not to care about anything else. It actually states that in the DMV guide book, as amended in 1997. The earliest Troublesome was a caveman known as TroublesomeOog. TroublesomeOog??? Yes, he was a sort of a tragic figure. While he didn’t discover fire, he did by deed help coin the phrase “you’re playing with fire”. His ultimate demise also led to the expression “skating on thin ice”. Poor bastard. Aha! You do care sometimes. A momentary lapse, that’s all. How does this solve the mystery of love? In good time, Mr. DMV man, in good time. One of the most colorful members of my line was Renaissance man and lute player extraordinaire, TroublesomeGuiseppe. The music he made was said to be akin to a religious experience, women across Italy found themselves in a state of ecstasy after one of his recitals. This led to a papal condemnation from Pope Alexander VI, because TroublesomeGuiseppe was deemed a threat to the church hierarchy. Of course, to be condemned by one of the most depraved Popes ever known, someone who had participated in the largest orgy in history, one that included acts of human sacrifice and cannibalism… Orgies and cannibalism!!! Now we’re getting somewhere! Not that I condone such actions, they’re actively discouraged in the DMV guide book, as amended in 1997. …to continue, human sacrifice and cannibalism, to be attacked by such a person was deemed a badge of honor by TroublesomeGuiseppe. His music led to a spiritual awakening during the Renaissance. Still no solution to the mystery of love there, TroublesomeJames. Did enjoy the orgy part though. Thank you. Don’t you have to see to other customers? The motto of the DMV states that “we will serve no customers before we are good and damn ready to”, so please continue with your tale. I now come to one of the most notable members of our line, TroublesomeLeslie. She was a pickle heiress and Victorian England’s most renowned beauty. She also possessed the Empire’s finest mind. It was rumored that TroublesomeLeslie was a ‘shadow advisor’ to Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli. She counseled him on Russian expansionism in the East and tried to temper the tone of British Imperialism. It was said that she indirectly caused the summary flogging of hundreds of English sailors when they broke ranks, during a review by Queen Victoria, just to catch the briefest glimpse of Leslie as she happened to be strolling by. Wow! That sounds like quite a woman. Do you have a picture of her? No. What most people don’t know is that it was TroublesomeLeslie, not Edison, that invented the light bulb, telegraph, telephone and movie projector. That’s amazing! How come she didn’t get credit for those inventions? She felt that if men knew the truth about the superiority of female intelligence they would be paralyzed by feelings of inadequacy and simply dry up and blow away. TroublesomeLeslie knew men were good for some things, so in order to maintain the status quo, she let Edison take credit for the inventions. She later broke many hearts when she eloped with a recently knighted importer of Danish butter cookies. He must have been some kind of a man. Yes, he loved her deeply, respected her intelligence and most important of all— made her laugh. Do you think Leslie could have fallen for a decent hard-working DMV employee? Maybe if you had lived in another century. Hmmm. If I had the correct dates and coordinates and could get the DMV R & D boys in Sacramento to let me borrow their time machine for the weekend, then Leslie could be mine! What did you say? Oh, nothing. Please continue, Troublesome. My namesake, TroublesomeJames, was the Old West’s most idiosyncratic gunfighter. If someone’s spurs jingled too loudly, a appaloosa horse looked cross-eyed at him or the bar piano player played ‘Buffalo Gals’ in the wrong tempo, he would call off a gunfight in mid count. Because of these actions, he never actually fired a shot in his life, his opponents figured he must be some kind of a nut or really really good, so they gladly backed out of a gunfight. So are you a gunfighter too? No, I’m a musician like TroublesomeGuiseppe and can play a lovesong that would make the angels cry from pure joy. Why is that woman jumping up and down and pulling her hair out? It’s a customer that tried to get my attention and interrupt your story, so I issued her a citation for driving while Albanian. She doesn’t look Albanian. I know. Please continue. Anyway, I thought I had figured out the mystery of love when a woman beguiled, bewitched and bothered me… Are you going to break into song now? Very funny, Mr. DMV man. I thought the DMV guide book, as amended in 1997, frowned on humor? It does, I’m on break now. Please continue. It turned out she was a faithless woman with a pretty face. She became obsessed with my beloved ‘Emmylou’, a Gibson acoustic that I played all those beautiful lovesongs with. This evil woman believed another man could play her those songs as well as I had if he only had ‘Emmylou’, so she stole that blessed instrument one night as I slept. When her lover failed to measure up with his playing, she blamed ‘Emmylou’ and out of spite sold her to a useless vagabond who knew the true value of this instrument. So, I’ve been searching for my ‘Emmylou’ ever since and can’t play another note until I have her back. Hmmm. Quite a tale, but what’s the mystery of love? It’s that, despite how that woman hurt me so deeply, I still love her and would take her back in an instant if she would have me. Try to figure that one out, Mr. DMV man. I can’t and I’m glad I’m not paid to have to. Why are you here anyway, TroublesomeJames? Oh, to get my license renewed. Sorry, this window is closed now. Have a good day.