Archive for October, 2009

Tales of Terror and Indigestion

October 18, 2009

     Welcome to Whispers Bookstore’s Hallows’ Eve reading of an original work by yours truly. It’s a little piece guaranteed to inspire feelings of terror and indigestion. Indigestion? What’s so scary about that? Of course, my aunt Gertie’s cooking inspired fear. I think she seasoned her food with gun powder. KAPOW! After you ate her food, you’d be burping out both ends. My uncle Bert never had a day of his married life where he didn’t have terrible indigestion. I guess it can be scary. Please continue. Are you here for the reading, sir? No, I’m waiting for the cross town bus and it’s very cold out there, so I came in here. Plus, you’re serving these great holiday treats. These pumpkin cupcakes are real good and those licorice spiders are tasty. We aren’t serving licorice spiders. Ha ha. Very funny. I’ve had the treats, now I get the tricks, eh? Whatever you say, sir. My first story is called ‘The Rumba of Death’… Rumba! That’s so old fashioned. You need a dance that’s current and hip to interest the public. Let me show you. Are you having some sort of seizure? No, I’m doing ‘the running man’. This and ‘the cabbage patch’ are my dances. The ladies love it when I do ’em. Anyway, what’s so scary about a dance? In my story a young man sells his soul to the Devil in order to win a woman he has always admired from afar. He sells his soul so he can dance better than Travolta? I’d have asked for a lot of dough. Money impresses the ladies. Well, there’s a twist. After he has made the deal and become the greatest dancer ever, it turns out his dream woman is actually the Devil. He was dancing with a dude! Yuk! It’s been my experience you always have to check if the lady has a Adam’s apple, er, not that I ever danced with a guy dressed like a woman. Grrrrr. Maybe I’d better go on to the next story. It’s called ‘Lilith’ and it deals with a woman who appears in dreams and drains men of their lives… Sounds like an old girlfriend of mine. Was she a succubus? Sure, she liked to suck face, among other things. Have Mercy! I’m sooooo sexy! If I might continue… What your story needs is a hot lesbian vampire, no maybe twins, wait I’ve got it—triplets! That would make a great film. I wonder if Demi Moore is still making movies. She so versatile, she could play all three parts. How long before that bus comes? You really need to work on your scary stories. You should write something like ‘The Chopper’. What on Earth is that? It’s only the scariest direct to video movie ever made. I’ve seen it and the twelve sequels dozens of times. I know I’m going to regret this, but what is it about? It’s about a lumberjack that goes nuts after the mill is shut down by tree huggers. With his trusty axe, ‘Mr. Wackenheimer’, it’s WHACK WHACK CHOP CHOP! Ol’ Choppie never lets you down, that’s what I call entertainment. Hmmm. I think I have the story for you. It’s about ‘the eatumupolis’. What’s that? A creature that eats bad little boys whole. It only appears on Halloween night. Sounds promising. Go on. On this night, the eatumupolis is looking for a particularly bad boy named Wilbur. Heh heh. My name’s Wilbur. Yes, this bad little boy misbehaves so much and is so big and plump that eatum’ thinks he would make a fine Halloween meal. Would you care for another candy apple, Wilbur? Very funny. I’m stuffed, I don’t think I should have eaten so much. Strange, I don’t remember seeing anyone else in this bookstore. As a matter of fact, I don’t even remember ever seeing this bookstore before. Did that jack-o-lantern just wink at me! Oh, I should have mentioned that the eatumupolis can assume any form in order to get it’s meal. So, it could be a jack-o-lantern or a table or even the chair you’re sitting in. What! Help! This barcalounger is going to eat me! Aaaaaaaa… Hmmm. He moved pretty fast for a chubby little fellow. I guess that story was scary enough for him. Won’t be needing that bus, he must be half way home by now. Happy Halloween. Moo ha ha moo ha ha.