Fruitcake, the Christmas Menace

      Grandma’s Fruitcakes Incorporated. How may I help you? May I speak to Grandma? Heh heh heh. That’s a good one, sir. You’d be surprised how many people call this hotline and ask to speak with the dear old lady. Do you have a question that I can help you with, sir? How can I stop the fruitcakes from coming? You have too many fruitcakes coming to you? Hundreds of them, thousands of them. Heh heh heh. Around holiday time it just seems that way, sir. It’s usually just a handful that get passed around over and over again. It  sounds like I can’t stop the fruitcakes. No, you can’t stop the fruitcakes from coming around Christmas. What don’t you like about them? Well, they actually don’t have real fruit in them, do they? They do have fruit-like fruit, sir. Hmmm. It sounds like death and fruitcake are both inevitable. Yes, a very astute observation. It’s just I’ve noticed something different this year. People, that for years despised fruitcake, now crave the stuff and just can’t seem to get enough. Why is that? Attitudes are changing, people are changing. We at Grandma’s think that is a pretty good trend. It’s almost like that old movie, people are being replaced by pod people. Pod fruitcakes? Don’t be silly, sir. You might as well say that an army of zombie fruitcakes, controlled by a giant alien fruitcake brain, are swarming across your planet. Your planet? Don’t you mean our planet? Oh yes, of course, our planet. Just a slip of the tongue there, sir. Yes. It seems I’m the only one left in town who still hates fruitcake. I keep finding the stuff mysteriously dropped off at my home and office. Can’t get rid of the stuff fast enough. Too bad, Dr. Miles Bennell. Would that be your home and office in Santa Mira, California? How do you know who I am and where I live? A little thing called caller I.D., sir. You’re too suspicious, Dr. Bennell. A nice piece of fruitcake would make you feel right as rain. Nice try, Grandma or should I say Mr. Zombie Alien Fruitcake! I’ve been lulling you into a false sense of security while I alert the authorities to your evil plot. Your message was intercepted. You’ll be happy to know the Governor has declared a fruitcake state of emergency and, as we speak, elements of the National Guard are spreading fruitcakey cheer throughout the state. No! Yes, as a matter of fact, your shipment of ‘extra special fruitcake’ should be arriving…right now. What!!! Oh, my God! They’re here already! You’re next! You’re next! Aaaaaaaa! Another satisfied customer. Remember, when it comes to fruitcake, resistance is futile. Merry Christmas, heh heh heh.


One Response to “Fruitcake, the Christmas Menace”

  1. Ed Wode Says:

    Well done as usual. I have personally never ceased being fond of fruitcake.

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