Cute Cat

     Good evening, this is Spotlight and I’m your host, Trilby Phipps. Trilby? This week we have a very special interview with one of the more unusual superheroes, Danger Kitty. That’s Captain Danger Kitty! I would like to be addressed by my proper rank please. Captain Danger Kitty, you’re so darned cute. Do you mind if I scratch behind your ears and rub your tummy? I’d have to kill you if you did that, Trilby. Heh heh heh. That’s very funny. No, I’m not kidding, I would really have to kill you. It’s in a directive issued by the Pentagon. Sorry. Okay… Maybe then you could share with our viewers how you became Captain Danger Kitty. Back in the 60’s, I was a scientist working on secret projects for the Department of Agriculture. During an experiment that went horribly wrong, I was transformed into a kitten with superpowers. Who knew you couldn’t use a super collider to make a better chick pea? They had super colliders back in the 60’s? Yes, it was top secret technology that, unfortunately, I found out later, was not supposed to be used to make better chick peas. It stated that specifically in the user’s manual, but who reads those things anyway. So, what were some of your superpowers? Among other things, I could eat ice cream without getting ‘brain freeze’ and leap tall buildings in nine or ten bounds. Uh huh. What was it like being a superhero back in the 60’s? It’s all blur because I was doing a lot of catnip and squeaky toys back then, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. I do remember being pretty tight with Keith Moon and The Beatles. You knew The Beatles? They knew me, Trilby, they knew me. That song on Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band was almost called ‘Captain Danger Kitty in the Sky with Diamonds’. Unfortunately, since I was working for Uncle Sam, the government didn’t want the publicity, so the song was changed. Too bad, it had top ten written all over it. Uh huh. What do you think most people don’t know about being a superhero? After you get the superpowers, you can’t just hit the streets and battle evildoers. I had to attend special courses to get my superhero accreditation. Let me tell you it wasn’t easy either, it was hard trying to take notes with these tiny paws. I only passed the weapons section because the Navy Seals administering it thought I looked so adorable trying to fire a Uzi. So you use cuteness to your advantage? Sometimes, but it’s also a hindrance to being taken seriously. At a White House dinner honoring me for rescuing astronauts from an out of control space capsule, I hauled off and slapped Lady Bird Johnson after she petted and tickled me for the twelfth time. What happened then? LBJ officially reprimanded me and unofficially wanted to give a medal for bravery. What are some of the highlights of your superhero career? I’ve rescued several Presidents, a Pope or two and the Queen on three different occasions, without a single thank you note mind you. I’ve stopped supervillians from detonating stolen nukes and defeated the occasional killer robot army from outer space. Impressive. There has been some controversy too? I thwarted an invasion from Saturn, but nobody believed me afterwards. You said they came disguised as teddy bears. Them Saturnians were plenty sneaky, bub. If I hadn’t done something you would be knee deep in flesh eating aliens. So you destroyed millions of teddy bears. You’re welcome. Some people are so ungrateful. Can I ask about Bodacious Jones? That’s old news. The press blew our relationship all out of proportion. She was simply an exotic dancer/secret agent, that’s all. We both worked for Uncle Sam, so how much trouble could a stripper/superspy and a kitty with superpowers get into? Have mercy! I used to be Major Danger Kitty back then, but they busted me down to captain for that infraction. Woo hoo! I’m  lucky Clinton was President back then. Uh huh. Didn’t you used to have a couple of sidekicks? My bosses got all pc on me and decreed that I should have a dog and a mouse as helpers. What happened to them? Oh, I burned the dog to a cinder with my heat vision and ate the mouse. A cat’s got to do what a cat’s got to do, you know. Do you have a super secret headquarters? Superman has the Fortress of Solitude, but all I have is the Duplex of Indifference. The Flash and Ironman used to live together in the unit next door. They lived together? Don’t ask, don’t tell, as we say in the military. They threw some great parties. As a superhero, what is your greatest regret? That I never became as well known as say Batman or The Hulk. In polls I still rank far below that fat lasagna eating so-and-so, Garfield. On the plus side, I now rank higher than both Fritz and Felix the cat. So, finally what would you most like our viewers to know about you? Well, Trilby, that I’m just an average down to earth kitty with superpowers and that they will never have to fear being eaten by Saturnian teddy bears while I’m on the job. Okay… I’m Trilby Phipps and this has been a very special edition of Spotlight. Good night. Are you named after a kind of hat?

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2 Responses to “Cute Cat”

  1. Ed Wode Says:

    Nice piece of humor, as usual. You haven’t lost it. Can you use your influence with Capt. Danger Cat to have him keep his fellow cats off the hood of my car? You left out the word “have” a dog etc. toward end of piece. Keep on truckin. Ed

  2. David Zuloaga Says:

    Sorry, Ed. The Captain always sides with his fellow kitties.

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