Archive for April, 2010

It’s All True

April 25, 2010

     Hmmm, I wonder if there’s anything good on tv tonight? …Welcome to ‘It’s All True’, the weekly spotlight of subjects of note and notoriety. This week our show is all about YOU!!! Me!!! Wow! Lucky I tuned in, but I don’t think there’s anything that interesting about me. Certainly not enough to fill an hour’s worth of airtime. Forty-two minutes with commercials to be exact and don’t be so certain about whether your life is interesting or not. Why just look at when you were born. Nothing special there I’m afraid. Your mother found you under a cabbage leaf. Holy smokes! I thought that was just an old expression, like how my granny would say that gramps was “full of banana oil”.  He really was. It was a rare medical condition. The New England Journal of Medicine thoroughly documented it in a 1939 issue. Does this mean that when mother said that “papa was a rolling stone”… Yes, your real father was Keith Richards. Gosh, I guess that explains why ‘I can’t get no satisfaction’. Heh heh heh. I wonder what else happened to me?  In 1963, during the filming of ‘Cleopatra’, you had a torrid affair with Elizabeth Taylor. Wow! Pretty good for a two-year old. It must be true if  it’s on tv. And live streaming video too! I’m more amazing than I thought. Indeed. Like Jerry Lewis, France awarded you the Legion of Honor. I wonder where I put the darned thing? You also had a quite memorable romance with Carly Simon, but it ended badly after you broke a date and flew your Learjet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun. She was so upset she wrote a song about it. Sound’s like I was so vain. I’ll bet people think that song was about me. Don’t they? Don’t they?  Now I’m almost afraid to find out what I did next. During the 1980’s you became disenchanted with your life and thought it was time for a change. Doesn’t sound  too bad. Go on. You had a sex change operation. Yikes!!! But you were dissatisfied with the results and had it changed back. Talk about your buyer’s remorse! Whew, look’s like everything is still in order though. Indeed. You were secretly married simultaneously to Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie and carrying on a secret affair with Nicole Kidman  and three-quarters of The Pussycat Dolls. Wow! I’m a menace! How did I ever find the strength? You have an evil twin named Chester. Thank goodness, sound’s like I need all the help I can get to romance all them dames. I always thought I’d look good with a evil twin goatee. Is there anymore about me? We have come to the end of this week’s show… Thank goodness, I can’t take anymore about me. …Tune in next week for a profile of Leslie C. in ‘Confessions of a Former Sally Star Lollipop Dancer’!!! Scandalous! There ought to be a law!