Archive for June, 2010

Love’s Disaster Area

June 27, 2010

     Pa-toink! Ouch! Hey, will you knock it off already! Valentine’s Day is long over and, besides that, you don’t look much like Cupid. That cute little cherub myth is entirely the work of Madison Avenue. Selling all those greeting cards and chocolates to gullible saps is a billion dollar business. Anyway, I think the real me would be very marketable. With that flat top and rumpled brown suit, you look like a reject from a 50’s film noir thriller. One where your character had just gotten out of ‘the joint’ and was getting ready to ‘mix it up’ with Robert Mitchum. Ah, Bob Mitchum, now there was a sweetheart. Never had any problems with shooting him with one of my arrows and he was a genuine ‘tough guy’. Look at him funny and he’d toss you threw a plate-glass window, but he fell in love with no problems at all for me, unlike some people I know. Now, what’s up with you, bub? Love. I’m impervious to the stuff, brother. Love is nothing but a cruel illusion. You must run into folks that never fall in love, right? Never. Your obstinacy is throwing off nature’s order of things. It’s making me look bad. Now gods and demigods no longer respect me. Worst of all, pixies are openly mocking me! Pixies!!! It’s times like this that I wish I packed ‘heat’ instead of these poofy little arrows. That’s some attitude you got there for a god of love. Love’s got nothing to do with it. It’s a matter of respect, pure and simple. So, when are you gonna fall in love, bub? You don’t offer much in the way of choices for soul mates. What do you mean? I mean one Hildegarde Gerkenflerken. Gesundheit. Sorry, I love that joke. She’s a lovely woman, solidly built and dependable. What more could a man ask for? You make her sound like a Conestoga wagon. If I was looking to cross the Great Plains, maybe I’d be interested, maybe. I’m looking for someone to share my life with and, besides that, there’s the issue of a little deal breaker. What are you talking about? The vestigial penis she has. I still wake up screaming about that one. Yet, you got along well enough with old Hildegarde to find out, eh? Heh heh heh. A certain amount of drinking was involved there, Cupie. I’ve taken the pledge, brother, and there is no ‘girl with something extra’ in this boy’s future. Okay,okay, you’ve convinced me. I know when I’m beat, so I’ll be on my merry way… Pa-toink pa-toink pa-toink! Wow. You never give up, do you? Nope. I will never fall in love with Hildegarde Gerkenflerken. Would have thought how I escaped from the headlock she had me in as she was dragging me down the wedding aisle would have convinced you. What can I say, I’m a romantic fool. Cupie, I suspect there’s some sort of financial incentive involved here. Did Hildegarde Gerkenflerken pay you to make me fall in love with her? You think I get by on job satisfaction alone? Them poofy arrows, the bow and quiver are all custom made by a weird little man who lives in a hollowed out tree deep in the Black Forest. The guy gives me the creeps. He always wants me to fix him up with some goddesses. I should send him some horny pixies, but I think the freak would like it. Yuk. I’m sorry, I wish there was something I could do to help. Oh, you can. Have a big heapin’ helpin’ of Gerkenflerken lovin’! Pa-toink pa-toink pa-toink! Man, you’re fast on the draw, but no dice. If I did fall in love, it would only be with a certain woman, and you know who she is. Boopsie Shillington! That ain’t gonna happen, bub! Why? Professional ethics. In the love biz, she’s what’s referred to as ‘love’s disaster area’, hazardous and to be avoided at all costs. Again, why? Think about how you two first met? Why, as I remember, it was at a church social. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Nothing wrong at all, if you don’t count that she was ‘naked as a jaybird’ and out of breath. Boopsie said she had snagged her clothes on a bush and then a big gust of wind blew them away. More like she had left them all strewn about the sacristy after a handsome church sexton’s wife caught them in a ‘vigorous discussion’ about the nature of good and evil that was about to come to a head, if you know what I mean. I’m no bible scholar, but I’d hazard a guess that the evil side was winning at that point. Heh heh heh. Sometimes she slips, but she always comes back to me. Yeah, to rest after all them ‘vigorous discussions’ with all those other guys. A stay with you is more therapeutic than a visit to a clinic, something I’m sure she is no stranger to, if you know what I mean. She has the greatest smile. Oh, brother! I’ll never win with this guy. No respect and made fun of by pixies, what a life! Well, you’ve won, so I’ll be on my way… Pa-toink! Nice try. Maybe I could get a reality show on cable? People can’t keep “Keeping Up with the Kardashian’s” forever.

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SPELLBOUND

June 13, 2010

     I am spellbound. Spell-bound… That I wake up to a new day leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… Eating a hearty breakfast followed by a big, er, um, well, it leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound? That gravity keeps me from floating away leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… That we have a governor that showed his bare ass in those ‘Terminator’ films leaves me spellbound. Huh? Er, I mean, Spell-bound… The Renaissance leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter leave me spellbound. Spell-bound… Real-life goddesses leave me spellbound. Spell-bound… Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon’s performances in ‘Bound’ leave me spellbound. Woo hoo! Spell-bound… That I made love to four beautiful Japanese sisters at the same time leaves me spellbound. WOW!!! Er, um, I mean, Spell-bound… Watching Alfred Hitchcock’s 1945 film, ‘Spellbound’, leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… Listening to Aretha and Stevie Ray always leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… God leaves us all spellbound. Spell-bound… That I fell in love with the ‘wrong woman’ leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… Her smile always leaves me spellbound.  Spell-bound… That I can see, leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… That I’m ripping off, er, I mean, paying homage to an old Smithereens song leaves me spellbound. Spell-bound… That I am still spellbound leaves me spellbound. Could I hear a little more about those sisters? Er, um, Spell-bound… No, because I am spellbound. Yeah, yeah, you’re Spell-bound…