Archive for October, 2010

There’s Always Room for Jell-O

October 17, 2010

(From a script for the yet-to-be-aired series, ‘Twisted Clips’. The subject of this episode was Jell-O. Enjoy!)     Dear, I’m a little concerned about your behavior lately. There’s always room for Jell-O… Uh, yes, dear. I know you have been working day and night on your ‘special Jell-O’… There’s always room for Jell-O… Yes, thank you. It’s just that you have been working so hard that I think maybe you should take a break and speak with a doctor friend of mine… There’s always room for Jell-O… Yes, that’s all you have said since you came back from the market the other day. I remember because that’s also when that meteorite came down in the woods near you. I worried that you might have been hurt in that big explosion. There’s always room for Jell-O… Yes, there wasn’t a scratch on you, thank goodness. Funny though, all you came back with from the market was your ‘special Jell-O’. There’s always room for Jell-O… I know, I know, damn it! What is wrong? All you do is make that lime Jell-O with that weird glow. The only time you stop is when you go and share some with the neighbors… There’s always room for Jell-O… If I hear that again I swear I’ll go mad! I think I’ve already gone insane. I would swear that green stuff looks almost like it is…alive. Maybe it’s just lack of sleep. There’s always room for Jell-O… Heh, heh, heh, yes, dear, there’s always room for Jell-O. Something we can agree on, I guess. Funny, I hadn’t noticed before, but I haven’t heard or seen any birds lately. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen or heard the dog or cat lately. Honey, where are the kids? There’s always room for Jell-O… I haven’t seen the Parkers from next door or the Anderson’s from across the street since you took them some of your  ‘special Jell-O’… There’s always room for Jell-O… That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! I’m getting rid of all of that goddamn stuff! There’s always room for Jell-O… Ha ha, not in this house anymore, dear! I’m going to empty this refrigerator of every damn bit of it! What the heck! It’s moving! It’s…Aaaaaaaa!!!  There’s always room for Jell-O… all over this planet, across the Galaxy and finally throughout the Universe!

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Twas the Fart Heard Round the World

October 3, 2010

(From a script for the yet-to-be-aired series, ‘Twisted Clips’. The subject of this episode was flatulence. Enjoy!)     Whew. Gee, I hope no one noticed, heh heh. HE WAS A DOE EYED BEAUTY WITH KEWPIE DOLL LIPS… Kewpie doll lips??? TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD! Who the heck are you guys??? WE ARE THE ETERNAL CHORUS THAT CELEBRATES MANKIND’S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS. What I did was one of mankind’s greatest achievements? IT’S BEEN PRETTY SLIM PICKINGS LATELY ACHIEVEMENT-WISE. IT WAS BETWEEN YOU AND A GUY THAT GREW A RUTABAGA THE SIZE OF A CADILLAC ELDORADO. WE HATE RUTABAGAS. I think you should really give that rutabaga a second chance. They can be pretty tasty. SORRY, WE’RE STICKING WITH YOUR COLOSSAL GASSER. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. It wasn’t that bad. MOUNTAINS SHOOK, SEAS PARTED AND ALL BECAUSE YOU FARTED. Is it all going to be in rhyme? NO, THAT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG AND WE WANT TO GET HOME EARLY TO CATCH SOMETHING REALLY GOOD ON CABLE. Don’t let me stop you. Go on home, we can do this fart thing some other time. NICE TRY, YOU ARE STILL GETTING THE WHOLE PACKAGE, BROTHER. Oh, come on. Nobody noticed! THE POPE REFERRED TO IT AS AN ‘UNHOLY EMANATION’. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. You’re exaggerating! PACIFIC ISLANDERS KNOW THAT THE SOURCES OF TSUNAMIS ARE EARTHQUAKES AND YOU. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. You’re wasting your time! No one will remember! YOUR MOTHER NOW CALLS YOU ‘TOOTS’. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. You’re making this all up. The young lady I was with at the restaurant didn’t say a thing. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU BLEW HER OUT OF THE PLACE AND SHE FLED IN HORROR INTO THE NIGHT NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. Gee, I wondered where she went. Guess I owe her a phone call and maybe some flowers would smooth things over. DREAM ON. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. Okay, okay, go ahead and praise away. It’s not like it will ever happen again. Uh oh! I think you boys had better head for high ground! HOLY SMOKES! WHAT THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN EATING? TWAS ANOTHER FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. THAT RUTABAGA IS LOOKING BETTER AND BETTER.