Twas the Fart Heard Round the World

(From a script for the yet-to-be-aired series, ‘Twisted Clips’. The subject of this episode was flatulence. Enjoy!)     Whew. Gee, I hope no one noticed, heh heh. HE WAS A DOE EYED BEAUTY WITH KEWPIE DOLL LIPS… Kewpie doll lips??? TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD! Who the heck are you guys??? WE ARE THE ETERNAL CHORUS THAT CELEBRATES MANKIND’S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS. What I did was one of mankind’s greatest achievements? IT’S BEEN PRETTY SLIM PICKINGS LATELY ACHIEVEMENT-WISE. IT WAS BETWEEN YOU AND A GUY THAT GREW A RUTABAGA THE SIZE OF A CADILLAC ELDORADO. WE HATE RUTABAGAS. I think you should really give that rutabaga a second chance. They can be pretty tasty. SORRY, WE’RE STICKING WITH YOUR COLOSSAL GASSER. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. It wasn’t that bad. MOUNTAINS SHOOK, SEAS PARTED AND ALL BECAUSE YOU FARTED. Is it all going to be in rhyme? NO, THAT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG AND WE WANT TO GET HOME EARLY TO CATCH SOMETHING REALLY GOOD ON CABLE. Don’t let me stop you. Go on home, we can do this fart thing some other time. NICE TRY, YOU ARE STILL GETTING THE WHOLE PACKAGE, BROTHER. Oh, come on. Nobody noticed! THE POPE REFERRED TO IT AS AN ‘UNHOLY EMANATION’. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. You’re exaggerating! PACIFIC ISLANDERS KNOW THAT THE SOURCES OF TSUNAMIS ARE EARTHQUAKES AND YOU. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. You’re wasting your time! No one will remember! YOUR MOTHER NOW CALLS YOU ‘TOOTS’. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. You’re making this all up. The young lady I was with at the restaurant didn’t say a thing. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU BLEW HER OUT OF THE PLACE AND SHE FLED IN HORROR INTO THE NIGHT NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. Gee, I wondered where she went. Guess I owe her a phone call and maybe some flowers would smooth things over. DREAM ON. TWAS THE FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. Okay, okay, go ahead and praise away. It’s not like it will ever happen again. Uh oh! I think you boys had better head for high ground! HOLY SMOKES! WHAT THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN EATING? TWAS ANOTHER FART HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. THAT RUTABAGA IS LOOKING BETTER AND BETTER.


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